Sooner or later, a rabid dog is going to drink some sour milk, develop a head cold and sneeze on someone with pink eye and BAM….we have a zombie apocalypse on our hands.  “Be prepared” is the moto of the Boy Scouts, so either plan to kidnap one or figure out your zombie plan in advance.  History Channel had a TV show recently called “Zombies:  A living history”, and it got me thinking about finally writing this blog (which was intended to be the first blog, over a year ago).  Here, finally, is my Zombie Plan:

Offense (weapons)

I’m tired of hearing that “you’re going to get a katana sword, because it’s the only weapon that doesn’t need reloading”.  That’s dumb, and so are you.  Do you have any sword training? NO.  Do you think you could decapitate zombie after zombie with spot on slice-and-dice accuracy? NO.  You’d look like a drunk trucker out there trying to chop down a tree with that sword, wasting more energy than if you just ran away in the first place.  Lastly, do you even have a sword? Is there a sword store on your block? NO

Get a baseball bat.  You’ve been trained how to use one of these since before you could walk.  Harvard School of Awesomeness proved that regardless of where you are in ‘Merica, there is a baseball bat within 18’ of you.

And let’s get off the head bashing for a bit. First, unless the zombie coming at you is you’re old High School Trig teacher, you’re probably not in the mood to just bash human skulls all day (unless you work in a cubical as your day job…then maybe you are). ”SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY”.  No, really. Take out a knee and walk away.  I don’t care if they feel pain or not, a zombie is still a human body and a human body just doesn’t work well with a limp (trust me).  Take out two knees and watch your zombie friend crawl around like that lady in the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial.

Defense  (Bug in)

I started with offense because I wanted you to read past the header…fyi.  Defensive wise, like any emergency of social unrest, it’s best to just hang out at home for a bit.  Anne Frank hid away from the Nazi’s for 168 pages of my 7th grade (most of which I read, and I assume she survived). How did she hide? They had a book shelf as a door.  That’s it; no pit of death, no motions sensor high velocity ceiling fan…a book shelf.  Now, Nazi’s weren’t the undead, but they were pretty close “and generally regarded as a bunch of dickheads” (citation: History channel, 2008).  Anne lasted that long by just shutting up and not bringing attention to herself, which is pretty hard considering she was 14.  Ever know a 14 year old to just shut up and not want attention?

My house is not really ideal for Zombie attack: I have lots of windows and my back yard is a bit of a death trap.  Also, I locked myself in my house last week, which clearly exposes a problem.  However, my garage is near ideal:  I have an entrance on either side separated by a security fence, so if I have a Z-issue on side A, I go out side B.  All my camping gear is in there, I have power, a radio, stored water, I have an attic to sleep/live in, and my Jeep will be there ready to run over some Zombie High School Trig Teachers. If you need me, just bang out the rhythm to “Mars” from The Planets by Gustav Holst on the door. This way, I’ll know you’re human, and cool, and that you understand that I am the bringer of war (like Mars).

Run (bug out)

This is the part most of us plan on, admit it.  Me, the girl, the dog, and the base ball bat are going to be in the Jeep heading south.  I considered west into the hills, but that just sounds like it will be cold and snowy most of the year.  Also, if you get into the mountains you really only have a few choices of roads.

East makes no sense, because while it’s wide open and not many people…it’s still Kansas.  If you’re fighting off corn fed Kansas Zombies, your a better man then me.

North has some talking points: It’s Wyoming so you’ll have plenty of guns and many big trucks.  But, where are you gonna end up? Really. Thing long term.

SOUTH TO TEXAS!!! Texas is great! It has a Walmart on every block, it has guns available at every gas station/bowling alley, lots of people around that are generally ready to take fight anyhow (so they’ve probably already done all the killing anyhow). And lastly, they have the Gulf.

My end goal is to steal me a nice little boat in the Gulf, and hang out floating in a harbor (off dock) until things cool over. I don’t subscribe to the whole idea that zombies can walk on the bottom of the ocean, or can swim, because just because your dead doesn’t mean your cells don’t still require oxygen.  Even if they can, have you ever tried to get into a canoe from the water?  It’s nearly impossible.  Go ahead; try to get on my boat.  Me and my bat will be there to cheer you on.

Ok, that’s enough for this version of Zombie Plan.  Next time I’ll edit this and include some maps and maybe a survival pack list.  Let me know your plans, in the comments.  Let’s make this Zombie-Central-One.

Post filed under Other Ideas.